I've lost my Harmony

Sometimes, when I have days on days of feeling ill at ease and question even my most elementary of reactions and decisions, I stop and pause to consider the source of this malaise. Most times I discover that my sense of harmony has been disrupted and that the anxiety that this creates has placed me in a state of discord. I have been feeling this way for the past few days and this morning I stopped to actually identify my source of unhappiness.

This can be caused by any number of reasons; I have been spending a great deal of time by myself in the past few weeks; I have been traveling quite a bit and not taking the time to focus on the important things in my life; I have been preparing for my trip across country and feeling a bit of meloncholy as I pack; or any and all of the above. I'm not sure exactly what brings this feeling to bear, but it is one that when I am experiencing it, I must deal with it before I can go on with my day.

I thought about the past few days and realized that this feeling began with my trip to visit my mother. Although it was a short trip, it was a lifetime of emotions. I find that facing my mother at this point in her life and in mine is more difficult with every visit. As I am taking my journey into continued growth, I find she has put herself at the end of her road. I find that I am less patient with her rigidity and what I perceive as her lack of caring although I want to assume that this is incorrect. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. To begin with, we are very different personality types. She is a person who has suffered from low self-esteem for most of her life -- in fact for the entire time I have known her. She does not have the courage of her convictions and fears that others will find her less than and not capable. This throws her into a state of defensiveness and fear enhanced by her own recognition that she has become more and more incapable of doing what she so readily did in the past. I recognize this and also realize that I represent "the man", in the vernacular, in that I could start the wheels of change in her life. Not that change would be unwelcome, but she fears what she does not know or understand. She fears new knowledge and grasps clingingly to the past. The world has left her behind and as much as she wants to be a part of it, she fears that she can't, due to her limitations.

It is sad to watch her grow old and inward. I look at my mother as all that I don't want to become. That must be why I constantly challenge myself in different ways and find new things to learn. It is my hope that if I do become as limited in my life, that my children in their love and wisdom will take charge and allow me the peace of mind to live in a less challenging situation.

I find visits with my mother to be challenging. I find her continued deterioration distressing. I find that I am most frustrated by the fact that I am not allowed to help her in any way due to the lack of support of my living siblings and their agendas in my mother's care. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with their agendas, but it is in their interest not in hers.

Having written this frustration and realizing that this imbalance has set off a chain of reactions that has lead to my daily unrest, I feel somewhat better. It is now time to concentrate on the happiness and excitement of the upcoming weeks and months. My focus is now to be on what is good in my life -- and so much is wonderful. I feel blessed in ways I can not express.

Now back to my montra -- "Life is Good" for it is! Harmony found!