In the course of our day to day, I think that we can become lethargic and so attuned to what we suppose is the norm that we can miss what is actually happening. I just found out that my husband has been living a very different life than the one I thought we had. He has "friends" who probably know the Wally Darneille that I once thought I knew. He has situations that lead people to look at him as a "solo" person as opposed to a married partner. My world has just crashed.
I don't quite know how I feel. Numb. I had so thought that when we moved to this place that we would be here as partners. We have family and a family that is ever growing. I have had a sense that we shared a love and commitment to this family. This allowed me to fully enjoy all that we have without worrying about my future with my husband. And I have been wrong.
I have been down this road before. I swore that I would not do it again. I am now asking myself the same questions that I asked then. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I go on? The feelings are the same. I feel inadequate. I feel betrayed and I feel so very alone.
I so wanted to believe him when he committed to me and swore that he would never betray me again. I have struggled through the healing and the regaining of trust. What an absolute waste of time.
I'm not sure where I will be ..... nor how I will get there. I know that I will survive. I will not allow anyone to destroy me again. I just wish that it did not hurt me so very much. The old "cracks in my heart" have become fractures.....
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Days Past
It is hard to believe that forty years has passed since I graduated from high school -- actually it is forty one years and a few months. I still feel as if I am seventeen and the world is just opening up opportunities for me. I am still waiting to find my calling and define myself. And in all these forty one years, I have loved the journey and enjoyed my small successes. Although I am still learning, looking, and loving, it is a trip that makes the days so challenging and my life so fulfilled.
I have just returned from a reunion of my high school graduating class-- hence the recollection of forty one years ago. It was held in Ashville, North Carolina and we stayed at the Grove Park Inn. I actually love the city and have enjoyed the hospitality of the Grove Park in past days. It is lovely and this weekend captured the beauty of fall in North Carolina. As a backdrop, this offered a serenity that seemed to pervade this gathering of old friends.
When I arrived, I had a bit of nervousness. Would I recognize the people? Would I be recognized? The "what should I wear" questions had been answered but the "how will I feel" still remained a mystery. But as I walked into the room where the reception was held, I decided to let myself just experience the moment. I put at bay any anxiety or shyness and let my heart guide me. It was the right thing to do.
The first person I saw was Carol, the girl that I had reconnected with during the course of this summer. She was as pretty as I remembered her and smiled just as she had in our senior class cheerleading picture. I discovered that noone had really changed when you looked at their eyes and saw their smiles. The faces had grown more "distinguished" and our bodies saw the ravages of past follies but our "souls" as seen in our eyes and felt in our smiles remained the same. After that first sighting, the evening became a series of hugs, laughs, remember whens, and can you believes!
The weekend was a wonderful exchange of laughter and light. I walked away from the experience with a great sense of happiness -- that I had gone. That I had talked to my friends and reconnected in such a positive way. That I had renewed a commitment to "stay in touch" and that I had expanded my circle of aquaintances in such a way. I grew from this weekend and can bring that growth to my day to day.
The blessings that I received were so much greater than I had anticipated and I know that they will continue to serve me as the journey continues. Life is good!
I have just returned from a reunion of my high school graduating class-- hence the recollection of forty one years ago. It was held in Ashville, North Carolina and we stayed at the Grove Park Inn. I actually love the city and have enjoyed the hospitality of the Grove Park in past days. It is lovely and this weekend captured the beauty of fall in North Carolina. As a backdrop, this offered a serenity that seemed to pervade this gathering of old friends.
When I arrived, I had a bit of nervousness. Would I recognize the people? Would I be recognized? The "what should I wear" questions had been answered but the "how will I feel" still remained a mystery. But as I walked into the room where the reception was held, I decided to let myself just experience the moment. I put at bay any anxiety or shyness and let my heart guide me. It was the right thing to do.
The first person I saw was Carol, the girl that I had reconnected with during the course of this summer. She was as pretty as I remembered her and smiled just as she had in our senior class cheerleading picture. I discovered that noone had really changed when you looked at their eyes and saw their smiles. The faces had grown more "distinguished" and our bodies saw the ravages of past follies but our "souls" as seen in our eyes and felt in our smiles remained the same. After that first sighting, the evening became a series of hugs, laughs, remember whens, and can you believes!
The weekend was a wonderful exchange of laughter and light. I walked away from the experience with a great sense of happiness -- that I had gone. That I had talked to my friends and reconnected in such a positive way. That I had renewed a commitment to "stay in touch" and that I had expanded my circle of aquaintances in such a way. I grew from this weekend and can bring that growth to my day to day.
The blessings that I received were so much greater than I had anticipated and I know that they will continue to serve me as the journey continues. Life is good!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I'm Back In Lubbock
I am so reminded of that cowboy song "Back in the Saddle Again" for I have returned to Lubbock after three months of living at Lake Martin, Alabama and Atlanta, Georgia, my homes and my heart. I arrived here after driving for eight hours from Hot Springs, Arkansas. That time gave me a period to contemplate the changing geography -- colors, folliage, sky, and air. It gave me the time to relish the happiness I had experienced over the past three months and to absorb the pure joy of all that I had. I tried to look forward and to trust that this was the path on which I was destined to tread. With a smile on my face, I made every effort to carry a happiness in my heart as I climbed the Cap Rock and drove the final 40 miles to my house.
It has been a week of reestablishing routines and missing all that I love. My children, my precious grand sons, my beautiful lake home and the new city that I would like to call my future home. I miss the smells of early morning and the music of the cicatas at night. At the moment, I am looking at the western sunrise -- blocked only by a rare branch of a lone tree in the horizon. The vista is something that people seem to fine awe inspiring. As odd as it may sound to some, I find this a lonely one. It is so vast as to be void of life. I marvel at how this expanse can be so devoid of the warmth of civilization -- homes, family, gardens, trees, city lights, and signs of community. I can honestly say that I am a city girl and find the closeness of other humans a comfort. The lack of "human presence" in a place leaves my heart aching. I love the bustle and the sounds of the city -- conversation and laughter are salvos to my soul. Living without these is difficult for me and finding a respite from my solitude something I must endeavor to do -- I am feeling a heaviness at the moment. The wings of my spirit have been clipped and I must reaclimate myself to this life I now lead and trust that tomorrow will bring a greater vision for my growth.
I am lucky to have been able to have these past few months to refuel my soul and to realize the creativity that I had thought was left for memories of past days. My blessings are great. My loves are dearly precious. My days will be better.
It has been a week of reestablishing routines and missing all that I love. My children, my precious grand sons, my beautiful lake home and the new city that I would like to call my future home. I miss the smells of early morning and the music of the cicatas at night. At the moment, I am looking at the western sunrise -- blocked only by a rare branch of a lone tree in the horizon. The vista is something that people seem to fine awe inspiring. As odd as it may sound to some, I find this a lonely one. It is so vast as to be void of life. I marvel at how this expanse can be so devoid of the warmth of civilization -- homes, family, gardens, trees, city lights, and signs of community. I can honestly say that I am a city girl and find the closeness of other humans a comfort. The lack of "human presence" in a place leaves my heart aching. I love the bustle and the sounds of the city -- conversation and laughter are salvos to my soul. Living without these is difficult for me and finding a respite from my solitude something I must endeavor to do -- I am feeling a heaviness at the moment. The wings of my spirit have been clipped and I must reaclimate myself to this life I now lead and trust that tomorrow will bring a greater vision for my growth.
I am lucky to have been able to have these past few months to refuel my soul and to realize the creativity that I had thought was left for memories of past days. My blessings are great. My loves are dearly precious. My days will be better.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I've lost my Harmony
Sometimes, when I have days on days of feeling ill at ease and question even my most elementary of reactions and decisions, I stop and pause to consider the source of this malaise. Most times I discover that my sense of harmony has been disrupted and that the anxiety that this creates has placed me in a state of discord. I have been feeling this way for the past few days and this morning I stopped to actually identify my source of unhappiness.
This can be caused by any number of reasons; I have been spending a great deal of time by myself in the past few weeks; I have been traveling quite a bit and not taking the time to focus on the important things in my life; I have been preparing for my trip across country and feeling a bit of meloncholy as I pack; or any and all of the above. I'm not sure exactly what brings this feeling to bear, but it is one that when I am experiencing it, I must deal with it before I can go on with my day.
I thought about the past few days and realized that this feeling began with my trip to visit my mother. Although it was a short trip, it was a lifetime of emotions. I find that facing my mother at this point in her life and in mine is more difficult with every visit. As I am taking my journey into continued growth, I find she has put herself at the end of her road. I find that I am less patient with her rigidity and what I perceive as her lack of caring although I want to assume that this is incorrect. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. To begin with, we are very different personality types. She is a person who has suffered from low self-esteem for most of her life -- in fact for the entire time I have known her. She does not have the courage of her convictions and fears that others will find her less than and not capable. This throws her into a state of defensiveness and fear enhanced by her own recognition that she has become more and more incapable of doing what she so readily did in the past. I recognize this and also realize that I represent "the man", in the vernacular, in that I could start the wheels of change in her life. Not that change would be unwelcome, but she fears what she does not know or understand. She fears new knowledge and grasps clingingly to the past. The world has left her behind and as much as she wants to be a part of it, she fears that she can't, due to her limitations.
It is sad to watch her grow old and inward. I look at my mother as all that I don't want to become. That must be why I constantly challenge myself in different ways and find new things to learn. It is my hope that if I do become as limited in my life, that my children in their love and wisdom will take charge and allow me the peace of mind to live in a less challenging situation.
I find visits with my mother to be challenging. I find her continued deterioration distressing. I find that I am most frustrated by the fact that I am not allowed to help her in any way due to the lack of support of my living siblings and their agendas in my mother's care. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with their agendas, but it is in their interest not in hers.
Having written this frustration and realizing that this imbalance has set off a chain of reactions that has lead to my daily unrest, I feel somewhat better. It is now time to concentrate on the happiness and excitement of the upcoming weeks and months. My focus is now to be on what is good in my life -- and so much is wonderful. I feel blessed in ways I can not express.
Now back to my montra -- "Life is Good" for it is! Harmony found!
This can be caused by any number of reasons; I have been spending a great deal of time by myself in the past few weeks; I have been traveling quite a bit and not taking the time to focus on the important things in my life; I have been preparing for my trip across country and feeling a bit of meloncholy as I pack; or any and all of the above. I'm not sure exactly what brings this feeling to bear, but it is one that when I am experiencing it, I must deal with it before I can go on with my day.
I thought about the past few days and realized that this feeling began with my trip to visit my mother. Although it was a short trip, it was a lifetime of emotions. I find that facing my mother at this point in her life and in mine is more difficult with every visit. As I am taking my journey into continued growth, I find she has put herself at the end of her road. I find that I am less patient with her rigidity and what I perceive as her lack of caring although I want to assume that this is incorrect. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. To begin with, we are very different personality types. She is a person who has suffered from low self-esteem for most of her life -- in fact for the entire time I have known her. She does not have the courage of her convictions and fears that others will find her less than and not capable. This throws her into a state of defensiveness and fear enhanced by her own recognition that she has become more and more incapable of doing what she so readily did in the past. I recognize this and also realize that I represent "the man", in the vernacular, in that I could start the wheels of change in her life. Not that change would be unwelcome, but she fears what she does not know or understand. She fears new knowledge and grasps clingingly to the past. The world has left her behind and as much as she wants to be a part of it, she fears that she can't, due to her limitations.
It is sad to watch her grow old and inward. I look at my mother as all that I don't want to become. That must be why I constantly challenge myself in different ways and find new things to learn. It is my hope that if I do become as limited in my life, that my children in their love and wisdom will take charge and allow me the peace of mind to live in a less challenging situation.
I find visits with my mother to be challenging. I find her continued deterioration distressing. I find that I am most frustrated by the fact that I am not allowed to help her in any way due to the lack of support of my living siblings and their agendas in my mother's care. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with their agendas, but it is in their interest not in hers.
Having written this frustration and realizing that this imbalance has set off a chain of reactions that has lead to my daily unrest, I feel somewhat better. It is now time to concentrate on the happiness and excitement of the upcoming weeks and months. My focus is now to be on what is good in my life -- and so much is wonderful. I feel blessed in ways I can not express.
Now back to my montra -- "Life is Good" for it is! Harmony found!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Appreciate your Health
This past month found me fairly lethargic and without the usual energy level I would like to think that I exhibit. The days would seem to drag and I found myself wishing for night-fall so that I could end the hours of awareness. I wasn't sure why I felt the way I did but I was certain that it was just a seasonal malady. So, when I began to feel physically weak, I assumed that it was part of my mental state.
I was wrong. Now that I am on the other side of what the doctors discovered was bacterial pneumonia, I feel like a new person. I'm not sure how one actually "gets" this illness -- I was told that I ingested it, something that I found truly abhorent -- but I can tell you that I am glad that it is on the wane. This condition left me without energy, without any happiness or hope, and without a joy for living. The hours of coughing and the feeling that death would be a welcome friend was so foreign to me that I still cannot believe that I felt this hopeless. Makes one realize the depth of sadness that an individual can experience. I hope that I never get to this point again.
In spite of the weeks of this ordeal, I came away with one hopeful conclusion. I am so thankful for my health. Had I not had a healthy body, I fear that I would not have been able to overcome this dibilitating disease. I know that this sounds a little self-serving in a way, but the truth of this is that had I not been strong and otherwise healthy, I might have been one of those statistics that succumbed to this disease. As one of my children said, "Jim Henson died of this very disease!" And he was not the only one. Another woman in this area died last week of complications brought on by bacterial pneumonia.
I know that I appreciate my health and the quality of life that exercise and good health bring to me. I wake up every day with an appreciation for what I can do and how I feel. I love to move and enjoy the freedom that this affords me. I love to really enjoy the day and thank God everyday that I can walk, feel, see, hear, taste, and smell the good things in the day. How fortunate I am that I do not have pain and discomfort. I appreciate these gifts and give thanks daily for them.
I appreciate my health. I especially appreciate my good health. I am glad to be feeling good again. The day is just beginning to dawn and it will be a glorious one!
I was wrong. Now that I am on the other side of what the doctors discovered was bacterial pneumonia, I feel like a new person. I'm not sure how one actually "gets" this illness -- I was told that I ingested it, something that I found truly abhorent -- but I can tell you that I am glad that it is on the wane. This condition left me without energy, without any happiness or hope, and without a joy for living. The hours of coughing and the feeling that death would be a welcome friend was so foreign to me that I still cannot believe that I felt this hopeless. Makes one realize the depth of sadness that an individual can experience. I hope that I never get to this point again.
In spite of the weeks of this ordeal, I came away with one hopeful conclusion. I am so thankful for my health. Had I not had a healthy body, I fear that I would not have been able to overcome this dibilitating disease. I know that this sounds a little self-serving in a way, but the truth of this is that had I not been strong and otherwise healthy, I might have been one of those statistics that succumbed to this disease. As one of my children said, "Jim Henson died of this very disease!" And he was not the only one. Another woman in this area died last week of complications brought on by bacterial pneumonia.
I know that I appreciate my health and the quality of life that exercise and good health bring to me. I wake up every day with an appreciation for what I can do and how I feel. I love to move and enjoy the freedom that this affords me. I love to really enjoy the day and thank God everyday that I can walk, feel, see, hear, taste, and smell the good things in the day. How fortunate I am that I do not have pain and discomfort. I appreciate these gifts and give thanks daily for them.
I appreciate my health. I especially appreciate my good health. I am glad to be feeling good again. The day is just beginning to dawn and it will be a glorious one!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I need to say I love you more
Yesterday I received a telephone call from a dear friend of mine. It was his birthday and he was thanking me for a gift I had sent. I told him that I hoped his day was perfect in every way and his response so warmed my heart that I felt the need to write about it. He said, "I am walking on the beach with the love of my life (his wife who is my dearest friend) and the ocean waves are lapping at my feet. I am a lucky, lucky man!" What a remarkable thing to say. It might appear ordinary at first blush, but upon further thought, it is the most basic and the most incredible emotion to share.
I have always appreciated this person for his candor and his grand appreciation of life. He is a most successful person in all aspects of his life. Financially, there is no second. Personally, he is married to a remarkable person and they have an amazing family of successful boys, all of whom are happily married and now expecting children. He gives opportunities to his friend's children; he helps his friends, colleagues, the community, and church. His response to anyone who might question his giving or generousity -- "I am so blessed to have this and aren't I lucky to be able to share." He never wants to take credit for his accomplishments and doesn't look to be appreciated for his gifts. He merely acknowledges his blessings and appreciates his ability to give. He also says -- "isn't that better than the alternative?"
I aspire to be more like him in my day to day. I so hope that I remember to tell the people that I love that they are the most important people in my life. I try to start each day with an "I love you" and a hug or a kiss or a smile. I want to be able to impart the depth of my feeling at every turn. But human I am and imperfect I remain. Maybe with more examples of this behavior, as I witnessed yesterday in a casual telephone call, I can remember that it is what we do when we are with someone that matters -- not how much we meant to say when they are gone. I have always been of the opinion that it matters most that we give while we are living and very little about how much we impart at ones funeral. The biggest criers at most funerals are those who have the most regrets-- not having said all that they could, not sharing their love quite enough, having sadness over arguments unresolved and hurt feelings not mended. I hope that this is a moment for me that has been a grand reminder of what is important.
For me, the most important thing in my life is my family. My husband and I have built a solid foundation for an amazing group of individuals. I adore my husband and never tell him quite enough that I love him without reservation, care for him in unmeasurable ways. He is the rock upon which I build all my dreams and I love the life we have made together. In its imperfections, it is beautiful and I have no regrets.
My children are the four chambers of my heart and without them I would surely perish. Each one is so amazing and as a team they are unstoppable. I have enjoyed watching them grow and evolve as individuals. Each one is uniquely talented. They are each brilliant. The beauty that each one exudes in their day to day is utterly magnificant. I am so blessed to have them and I learn from them always. They have become the teachers and I the willing student. I so appreciate their insight and their "take on the world" and I try to incorporate their openness into my own "strict set of parameters" as I realize more and more that the more I know, the less I know.
I adore my son in law as he has brought a new dimension to our family. His perspective has shaped the way we all think on certain levels and I appreciate his ability to assimilate and become "one" in the somewhat daunting circle of our family. His laughter has made us all "lighten up" at times and made us look at ourselves with a more candid eye! What a blessing it is to have him.
And the most incredible addition to our family is our precious grandson. He is the glue that holds us all together -- and to think that only two years ago we didn't even know him. I have the most amazing love affair with my grandson -- I fell for him upon first sight and I have not been the same since that moment. He is the beauty and innocence of life. A magic moment in every day. When he laughs the clock stops and I have memorized the tones -- I will always see him as this amazing ball of love and beauty. As my husband and I have said -- "he is the best thing that we ever did."
Who would have thought that when my husband and I fell in love - 37 years ago -- that we would be at this point? We could not have imagined that our combined genes could create such beauty and perfection. I think back to those days and remember our dreams. We always wanted a large family and predicted that we would be millionaires and greatly successful people! I think that we imagined that we could do all this without any speed bumps are road blocks! How naive we were -- and yet -- here we are today with all that we could have wished -- and more!
I end this with one phrase: "I love my family, friends, and my life. I am lucky to have lived and have loved and I have no regrets." Now I need to share this with all I see. I need to say this more.
I have always appreciated this person for his candor and his grand appreciation of life. He is a most successful person in all aspects of his life. Financially, there is no second. Personally, he is married to a remarkable person and they have an amazing family of successful boys, all of whom are happily married and now expecting children. He gives opportunities to his friend's children; he helps his friends, colleagues, the community, and church. His response to anyone who might question his giving or generousity -- "I am so blessed to have this and aren't I lucky to be able to share." He never wants to take credit for his accomplishments and doesn't look to be appreciated for his gifts. He merely acknowledges his blessings and appreciates his ability to give. He also says -- "isn't that better than the alternative?"
I aspire to be more like him in my day to day. I so hope that I remember to tell the people that I love that they are the most important people in my life. I try to start each day with an "I love you" and a hug or a kiss or a smile. I want to be able to impart the depth of my feeling at every turn. But human I am and imperfect I remain. Maybe with more examples of this behavior, as I witnessed yesterday in a casual telephone call, I can remember that it is what we do when we are with someone that matters -- not how much we meant to say when they are gone. I have always been of the opinion that it matters most that we give while we are living and very little about how much we impart at ones funeral. The biggest criers at most funerals are those who have the most regrets-- not having said all that they could, not sharing their love quite enough, having sadness over arguments unresolved and hurt feelings not mended. I hope that this is a moment for me that has been a grand reminder of what is important.
For me, the most important thing in my life is my family. My husband and I have built a solid foundation for an amazing group of individuals. I adore my husband and never tell him quite enough that I love him without reservation, care for him in unmeasurable ways. He is the rock upon which I build all my dreams and I love the life we have made together. In its imperfections, it is beautiful and I have no regrets.
My children are the four chambers of my heart and without them I would surely perish. Each one is so amazing and as a team they are unstoppable. I have enjoyed watching them grow and evolve as individuals. Each one is uniquely talented. They are each brilliant. The beauty that each one exudes in their day to day is utterly magnificant. I am so blessed to have them and I learn from them always. They have become the teachers and I the willing student. I so appreciate their insight and their "take on the world" and I try to incorporate their openness into my own "strict set of parameters" as I realize more and more that the more I know, the less I know.
I adore my son in law as he has brought a new dimension to our family. His perspective has shaped the way we all think on certain levels and I appreciate his ability to assimilate and become "one" in the somewhat daunting circle of our family. His laughter has made us all "lighten up" at times and made us look at ourselves with a more candid eye! What a blessing it is to have him.
And the most incredible addition to our family is our precious grandson. He is the glue that holds us all together -- and to think that only two years ago we didn't even know him. I have the most amazing love affair with my grandson -- I fell for him upon first sight and I have not been the same since that moment. He is the beauty and innocence of life. A magic moment in every day. When he laughs the clock stops and I have memorized the tones -- I will always see him as this amazing ball of love and beauty. As my husband and I have said -- "he is the best thing that we ever did."
Who would have thought that when my husband and I fell in love - 37 years ago -- that we would be at this point? We could not have imagined that our combined genes could create such beauty and perfection. I think back to those days and remember our dreams. We always wanted a large family and predicted that we would be millionaires and greatly successful people! I think that we imagined that we could do all this without any speed bumps are road blocks! How naive we were -- and yet -- here we are today with all that we could have wished -- and more!
I end this with one phrase: "I love my family, friends, and my life. I am lucky to have lived and have loved and I have no regrets." Now I need to share this with all I see. I need to say this more.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Mardi Gras
What a wonderful few days I have just experienced! I left in a snow storm and arrived in the middle of a Mardi Gras parade. That was the synopsis of my Friday departure from Lubbock and arrival in New Orleans. I was meeting my college roommates for a reunion which took ten years in the making. To say I was excited was an understatement. To say that I was a little nervous, a truism. Not that I had anything specifically to fear, but with ten years in which I had not visited or spoken to the majority of the group, I feared that I might have changed and had little in common with many of my past friends. I knew walking in that I had vastly different views in the political arena and that even my "geography" was long from the day to day that most of them share. I knew that I felt good about where I am and where I am heading, but did not know if that was going to be accepted or rejected as something too far removed from their experience for actual acceptance.
My fears were put to rest when I arrived. I was the last to arrive and joined into the activities. They were so kind in waiting for me and made me feel at home immediately. I know that I am different, but I felt at ease with them and in so many ways, the years had dissolved as the conversation progressed. I watched us all fall into old relationships and patterns that we shared during our four years together in college. It was fun to immediately assume that old "furry blanket" and there was a certain degree of comfort to be had in revisiting the trust that we all had with one another.
I think of myself as I was then and as I am now and wonder that I could have ever been who I was. As I looked at each of my roommates, I was struck by their strength of conviction and their absolutes in the judgements they made. They exuded a confidence and I admired them for it. I, on the other hand, have found that the older I get, the less I am inclined to judge or make absolutes about anything. Is that being "wishy-washy" or is that being somewhat jaded by experience? I don't know. I just know that I did much listening, tried to tell stories that only included the good, bad, and ugly as it pertained to me, and open my heart to all the new experiences that I had at that time. Sometimes I became somewhat confused but for the most part, I just decided to "live for the moment" and to thoroughly enjoy this new experience.
I loved sharing the days with all the new individuals that I met. I so enjoyed immersing myself in the Nola feeling of Mardi Gras and would try to look through the eyes of my fellow parade watchers. I loved meeting my roommate's children and enjoying them as adults. What fun to visit with their friends and "talk football." I actually enjoyed talking about it and realized that I probably have become somewhat of a football fan (although I profess the opposite as often as I can!). I loved the smells and the delicious aromas of the city. The sounds and laughter were intoxicating! And I tried to fulfill the commitment that I have made to myself that I will always listen and learn from each new experience.
As I was leaving, I picked up the Picayunne Times and read about the history of the parades and the various Krewes. It was utterly fascinating as I have been "living" it with the debutante balls in Montgomery for the past thirty six years! I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the list of royalty in each Krewe and the names of the debutantes for each group. I now feel as if I have learned some new factoids.
In my conversations, I also loved hearing the rhythm of the speech of the city. I so love the south! It is musical in so many ways and has a rhythm of living that I have found to be one that suits my soul. The Big Easy is a good description for the city and it is this esprit that I wish to incorporate into my own day to day. For the most part, I live with that motto -- nothing is so very important that you lose sight of the goal of your mission. Keeping it simple, keeping it cool, and keeping the adage that "all I can control is myself" in your mantra is the only way to take advantage of the serenity that skirts us at every turn. With each passing year, I want that serenity and find that as I age, I have become so much more forgiving of myself! I am not a person who is moderate -- I am a marathon runner for God sakes! I am an exerciser-- I am a neatnik -- I am a disciplined person who loves order and scheduling in my life. But, I am also one who loves to honor those "escapes" in our life and when I am on the road, so to speak, I take full advantage of "living the experience."
All in all, this was a weekend where I "laissez les bon temps roule!" Not good french but majorly good fun!
My fears were put to rest when I arrived. I was the last to arrive and joined into the activities. They were so kind in waiting for me and made me feel at home immediately. I know that I am different, but I felt at ease with them and in so many ways, the years had dissolved as the conversation progressed. I watched us all fall into old relationships and patterns that we shared during our four years together in college. It was fun to immediately assume that old "furry blanket" and there was a certain degree of comfort to be had in revisiting the trust that we all had with one another.
I think of myself as I was then and as I am now and wonder that I could have ever been who I was. As I looked at each of my roommates, I was struck by their strength of conviction and their absolutes in the judgements they made. They exuded a confidence and I admired them for it. I, on the other hand, have found that the older I get, the less I am inclined to judge or make absolutes about anything. Is that being "wishy-washy" or is that being somewhat jaded by experience? I don't know. I just know that I did much listening, tried to tell stories that only included the good, bad, and ugly as it pertained to me, and open my heart to all the new experiences that I had at that time. Sometimes I became somewhat confused but for the most part, I just decided to "live for the moment" and to thoroughly enjoy this new experience.
I loved sharing the days with all the new individuals that I met. I so enjoyed immersing myself in the Nola feeling of Mardi Gras and would try to look through the eyes of my fellow parade watchers. I loved meeting my roommate's children and enjoying them as adults. What fun to visit with their friends and "talk football." I actually enjoyed talking about it and realized that I probably have become somewhat of a football fan (although I profess the opposite as often as I can!). I loved the smells and the delicious aromas of the city. The sounds and laughter were intoxicating! And I tried to fulfill the commitment that I have made to myself that I will always listen and learn from each new experience.
As I was leaving, I picked up the Picayunne Times and read about the history of the parades and the various Krewes. It was utterly fascinating as I have been "living" it with the debutante balls in Montgomery for the past thirty six years! I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the list of royalty in each Krewe and the names of the debutantes for each group. I now feel as if I have learned some new factoids.
In my conversations, I also loved hearing the rhythm of the speech of the city. I so love the south! It is musical in so many ways and has a rhythm of living that I have found to be one that suits my soul. The Big Easy is a good description for the city and it is this esprit that I wish to incorporate into my own day to day. For the most part, I live with that motto -- nothing is so very important that you lose sight of the goal of your mission. Keeping it simple, keeping it cool, and keeping the adage that "all I can control is myself" in your mantra is the only way to take advantage of the serenity that skirts us at every turn. With each passing year, I want that serenity and find that as I age, I have become so much more forgiving of myself! I am not a person who is moderate -- I am a marathon runner for God sakes! I am an exerciser-- I am a neatnik -- I am a disciplined person who loves order and scheduling in my life. But, I am also one who loves to honor those "escapes" in our life and when I am on the road, so to speak, I take full advantage of "living the experience."
All in all, this was a weekend where I "laissez les bon temps roule!" Not good french but majorly good fun!
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