My World Just Crashed

In the course of our day to day, I think that we can become lethargic and so attuned to what we suppose is the norm that we can miss what is actually happening. I just found out that my husband has been living a very different life than the one I thought we had. He has "friends" who probably know the Wally Darneille that I once thought I knew. He has situations that lead people to look at him as a "solo" person as opposed to a married partner. My world has just crashed.

I don't quite know how I feel. Numb. I had so thought that when we moved to this place that we would be here as partners. We have family and a family that is ever growing. I have had a sense that we shared a love and commitment to this family. This allowed me to fully enjoy all that we have without worrying about my future with my husband. And I have been wrong.

I have been down this road before. I swore that I would not do it again. I am now asking myself the same questions that I asked then. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I go on? The feelings are the same. I feel inadequate. I feel betrayed and I feel so very alone.

I so wanted to believe him when he committed to me and swore that he would never betray me again. I have struggled through the healing and the regaining of trust. What an absolute waste of time.

I'm not sure where I will be ..... nor how I will get there. I know that I will survive. I will not allow anyone to destroy me again. I just wish that it did not hurt me so very much. The old "cracks in my heart" have become fractures.....

Days Past

It is hard to believe that forty years has passed since I graduated from high school -- actually it is forty one years and a few months. I still feel as if I am seventeen and the world is just opening up opportunities for me. I am still waiting to find my calling and define myself. And in all these forty one years, I have loved the journey and enjoyed my small successes. Although I am still learning, looking, and loving, it is a trip that makes the days so challenging and my life so fulfilled.

I have just returned from a reunion of my high school graduating class-- hence the recollection of forty one years ago. It was held in Ashville, North Carolina and we stayed at the Grove Park Inn. I actually love the city and have enjoyed the hospitality of the Grove Park in past days. It is lovely and this weekend captured the beauty of fall in North Carolina. As a backdrop, this offered a serenity that seemed to pervade this gathering of old friends.

When I arrived, I had a bit of nervousness. Would I recognize the people? Would I be recognized? The "what should I wear" questions had been answered but the "how will I feel" still remained a mystery. But as I walked into the room where the reception was held, I decided to let myself just experience the moment. I put at bay any anxiety or shyness and let my heart guide me. It was the right thing to do.

The first person I saw was Carol, the girl that I had reconnected with during the course of this summer. She was as pretty as I remembered her and smiled just as she had in our senior class cheerleading picture. I discovered that noone had really changed when you looked at their eyes and saw their smiles. The faces had grown more "distinguished" and our bodies saw the ravages of past follies but our "souls" as seen in our eyes and felt in our smiles remained the same. After that first sighting, the evening became a series of hugs, laughs, remember whens, and can you believes!

The weekend was a wonderful exchange of laughter and light. I walked away from the experience with a great sense of happiness -- that I had gone. That I had talked to my friends and reconnected in such a positive way. That I had renewed a commitment to "stay in touch" and that I had expanded my circle of aquaintances in such a way. I grew from this weekend and can bring that growth to my day to day.

The blessings that I received were so much greater than I had anticipated and I know that they will continue to serve me as the journey continues. Life is good!

I'm Back In Lubbock

I am so reminded of that cowboy song "Back in the Saddle Again" for I have returned to Lubbock after three months of living at Lake Martin, Alabama and Atlanta, Georgia, my homes and my heart. I arrived here after driving for eight hours from Hot Springs, Arkansas. That time gave me a period to contemplate the changing geography -- colors, folliage, sky, and air. It gave me the time to relish the happiness I had experienced over the past three months and to absorb the pure joy of all that I had. I tried to look forward and to trust that this was the path on which I was destined to tread. With a smile on my face, I made every effort to carry a happiness in my heart as I climbed the Cap Rock and drove the final 40 miles to my house.

It has been a week of reestablishing routines and missing all that I love. My children, my precious grand sons, my beautiful lake home and the new city that I would like to call my future home. I miss the smells of early morning and the music of the cicatas at night. At the moment, I am looking at the western sunrise -- blocked only by a rare branch of a lone tree in the horizon. The vista is something that people seem to fine awe inspiring. As odd as it may sound to some, I find this a lonely one. It is so vast as to be void of life. I marvel at how this expanse can be so devoid of the warmth of civilization -- homes, family, gardens, trees, city lights, and signs of community. I can honestly say that I am a city girl and find the closeness of other humans a comfort. The lack of "human presence" in a place leaves my heart aching. I love the bustle and the sounds of the city -- conversation and laughter are salvos to my soul. Living without these is difficult for me and finding a respite from my solitude something I must endeavor to do -- I am feeling a heaviness at the moment. The wings of my spirit have been clipped and I must reaclimate myself to this life I now lead and trust that tomorrow will bring a greater vision for my growth.

I am lucky to have been able to have these past few months to refuel my soul and to realize the creativity that I had thought was left for memories of past days. My blessings are great. My loves are dearly precious. My days will be better.

I've lost my Harmony

Sometimes, when I have days on days of feeling ill at ease and question even my most elementary of reactions and decisions, I stop and pause to consider the source of this malaise. Most times I discover that my sense of harmony has been disrupted and that the anxiety that this creates has placed me in a state of discord. I have been feeling this way for the past few days and this morning I stopped to actually identify my source of unhappiness.

This can be caused by any number of reasons; I have been spending a great deal of time by myself in the past few weeks; I have been traveling quite a bit and not taking the time to focus on the important things in my life; I have been preparing for my trip across country and feeling a bit of meloncholy as I pack; or any and all of the above. I'm not sure exactly what brings this feeling to bear, but it is one that when I am experiencing it, I must deal with it before I can go on with my day.

I thought about the past few days and realized that this feeling began with my trip to visit my mother. Although it was a short trip, it was a lifetime of emotions. I find that facing my mother at this point in her life and in mine is more difficult with every visit. As I am taking my journey into continued growth, I find she has put herself at the end of her road. I find that I am less patient with her rigidity and what I perceive as her lack of caring although I want to assume that this is incorrect. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. To begin with, we are very different personality types. She is a person who has suffered from low self-esteem for most of her life -- in fact for the entire time I have known her. She does not have the courage of her convictions and fears that others will find her less than and not capable. This throws her into a state of defensiveness and fear enhanced by her own recognition that she has become more and more incapable of doing what she so readily did in the past. I recognize this and also realize that I represent "the man", in the vernacular, in that I could start the wheels of change in her life. Not that change would be unwelcome, but she fears what she does not know or understand. She fears new knowledge and grasps clingingly to the past. The world has left her behind and as much as she wants to be a part of it, she fears that she can't, due to her limitations.

It is sad to watch her grow old and inward. I look at my mother as all that I don't want to become. That must be why I constantly challenge myself in different ways and find new things to learn. It is my hope that if I do become as limited in my life, that my children in their love and wisdom will take charge and allow me the peace of mind to live in a less challenging situation.

I find visits with my mother to be challenging. I find her continued deterioration distressing. I find that I am most frustrated by the fact that I am not allowed to help her in any way due to the lack of support of my living siblings and their agendas in my mother's care. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with their agendas, but it is in their interest not in hers.

Having written this frustration and realizing that this imbalance has set off a chain of reactions that has lead to my daily unrest, I feel somewhat better. It is now time to concentrate on the happiness and excitement of the upcoming weeks and months. My focus is now to be on what is good in my life -- and so much is wonderful. I feel blessed in ways I can not express.

Now back to my montra -- "Life is Good" for it is! Harmony found!

Appreciate your Health

This past month found me fairly lethargic and without the usual energy level I would like to think that I exhibit. The days would seem to drag and I found myself wishing for night-fall so that I could end the hours of awareness. I wasn't sure why I felt the way I did but I was certain that it was just a seasonal malady. So, when I began to feel physically weak, I assumed that it was part of my mental state.

I was wrong. Now that I am on the other side of what the doctors discovered was bacterial pneumonia, I feel like a new person. I'm not sure how one actually "gets" this illness -- I was told that I ingested it, something that I found truly abhorent -- but I can tell you that I am glad that it is on the wane. This condition left me without energy, without any happiness or hope, and without a joy for living. The hours of coughing and the feeling that death would be a welcome friend was so foreign to me that I still cannot believe that I felt this hopeless. Makes one realize the depth of sadness that an individual can experience. I hope that I never get to this point again.

In spite of the weeks of this ordeal, I came away with one hopeful conclusion. I am so thankful for my health. Had I not had a healthy body, I fear that I would not have been able to overcome this dibilitating disease. I know that this sounds a little self-serving in a way, but the truth of this is that had I not been strong and otherwise healthy, I might have been one of those statistics that succumbed to this disease. As one of my children said, "Jim Henson died of this very disease!" And he was not the only one. Another woman in this area died last week of complications brought on by bacterial pneumonia.

I know that I appreciate my health and the quality of life that exercise and good health bring to me. I wake up every day with an appreciation for what I can do and how I feel. I love to move and enjoy the freedom that this affords me. I love to really enjoy the day and thank God everyday that I can walk, feel, see, hear, taste, and smell the good things in the day. How fortunate I am that I do not have pain and discomfort. I appreciate these gifts and give thanks daily for them.

I appreciate my health. I especially appreciate my good health. I am glad to be feeling good again. The day is just beginning to dawn and it will be a glorious one!

I need to say I love you more

Yesterday I received a telephone call from a dear friend of mine. It was his birthday and he was thanking me for a gift I had sent. I told him that I hoped his day was perfect in every way and his response so warmed my heart that I felt the need to write about it. He said, "I am walking on the beach with the love of my life (his wife who is my dearest friend) and the ocean waves are lapping at my feet. I am a lucky, lucky man!" What a remarkable thing to say. It might appear ordinary at first blush, but upon further thought, it is the most basic and the most incredible emotion to share.

I have always appreciated this person for his candor and his grand appreciation of life. He is a most successful person in all aspects of his life. Financially, there is no second. Personally, he is married to a remarkable person and they have an amazing family of successful boys, all of whom are happily married and now expecting children. He gives opportunities to his friend's children; he helps his friends, colleagues, the community, and church. His response to anyone who might question his giving or generousity -- "I am so blessed to have this and aren't I lucky to be able to share." He never wants to take credit for his accomplishments and doesn't look to be appreciated for his gifts. He merely acknowledges his blessings and appreciates his ability to give. He also says -- "isn't that better than the alternative?"

I aspire to be more like him in my day to day. I so hope that I remember to tell the people that I love that they are the most important people in my life. I try to start each day with an "I love you" and a hug or a kiss or a smile. I want to be able to impart the depth of my feeling at every turn. But human I am and imperfect I remain. Maybe with more examples of this behavior, as I witnessed yesterday in a casual telephone call, I can remember that it is what we do when we are with someone that matters -- not how much we meant to say when they are gone. I have always been of the opinion that it matters most that we give while we are living and very little about how much we impart at ones funeral. The biggest criers at most funerals are those who have the most regrets-- not having said all that they could, not sharing their love quite enough, having sadness over arguments unresolved and hurt feelings not mended. I hope that this is a moment for me that has been a grand reminder of what is important.

For me, the most important thing in my life is my family. My husband and I have built a solid foundation for an amazing group of individuals. I adore my husband and never tell him quite enough that I love him without reservation, care for him in unmeasurable ways. He is the rock upon which I build all my dreams and I love the life we have made together. In its imperfections, it is beautiful and I have no regrets.

My children are the four chambers of my heart and without them I would surely perish. Each one is so amazing and as a team they are unstoppable. I have enjoyed watching them grow and evolve as individuals. Each one is uniquely talented. They are each brilliant. The beauty that each one exudes in their day to day is utterly magnificant. I am so blessed to have them and I learn from them always. They have become the teachers and I the willing student. I so appreciate their insight and their "take on the world" and I try to incorporate their openness into my own "strict set of parameters" as I realize more and more that the more I know, the less I know.

I adore my son in law as he has brought a new dimension to our family. His perspective has shaped the way we all think on certain levels and I appreciate his ability to assimilate and become "one" in the somewhat daunting circle of our family. His laughter has made us all "lighten up" at times and made us look at ourselves with a more candid eye! What a blessing it is to have him.

And the most incredible addition to our family is our precious grandson. He is the glue that holds us all together -- and to think that only two years ago we didn't even know him. I have the most amazing love affair with my grandson -- I fell for him upon first sight and I have not been the same since that moment. He is the beauty and innocence of life. A magic moment in every day. When he laughs the clock stops and I have memorized the tones -- I will always see him as this amazing ball of love and beauty. As my husband and I have said -- "he is the best thing that we ever did."

Who would have thought that when my husband and I fell in love - 37 years ago -- that we would be at this point? We could not have imagined that our combined genes could create such beauty and perfection. I think back to those days and remember our dreams. We always wanted a large family and predicted that we would be millionaires and greatly successful people! I think that we imagined that we could do all this without any speed bumps are road blocks! How naive we were -- and yet -- here we are today with all that we could have wished -- and more!

I end this with one phrase: "I love my family, friends, and my life. I am lucky to have lived and have loved and I have no regrets." Now I need to share this with all I see. I need to say this more.

Mardi Gras

What a wonderful few days I have just experienced! I left in a snow storm and arrived in the middle of a Mardi Gras parade. That was the synopsis of my Friday departure from Lubbock and arrival in New Orleans. I was meeting my college roommates for a reunion which took ten years in the making. To say I was excited was an understatement. To say that I was a little nervous, a truism. Not that I had anything specifically to fear, but with ten years in which I had not visited or spoken to the majority of the group, I feared that I might have changed and had little in common with many of my past friends. I knew walking in that I had vastly different views in the political arena and that even my "geography" was long from the day to day that most of them share. I knew that I felt good about where I am and where I am heading, but did not know if that was going to be accepted or rejected as something too far removed from their experience for actual acceptance.

My fears were put to rest when I arrived. I was the last to arrive and joined into the activities. They were so kind in waiting for me and made me feel at home immediately. I know that I am different, but I felt at ease with them and in so many ways, the years had dissolved as the conversation progressed. I watched us all fall into old relationships and patterns that we shared during our four years together in college. It was fun to immediately assume that old "furry blanket" and there was a certain degree of comfort to be had in revisiting the trust that we all had with one another.

I think of myself as I was then and as I am now and wonder that I could have ever been who I was. As I looked at each of my roommates, I was struck by their strength of conviction and their absolutes in the judgements they made. They exuded a confidence and I admired them for it. I, on the other hand, have found that the older I get, the less I am inclined to judge or make absolutes about anything. Is that being "wishy-washy" or is that being somewhat jaded by experience? I don't know. I just know that I did much listening, tried to tell stories that only included the good, bad, and ugly as it pertained to me, and open my heart to all the new experiences that I had at that time. Sometimes I became somewhat confused but for the most part, I just decided to "live for the moment" and to thoroughly enjoy this new experience.

I loved sharing the days with all the new individuals that I met. I so enjoyed immersing myself in the Nola feeling of Mardi Gras and would try to look through the eyes of my fellow parade watchers. I loved meeting my roommate's children and enjoying them as adults. What fun to visit with their friends and "talk football." I actually enjoyed talking about it and realized that I probably have become somewhat of a football fan (although I profess the opposite as often as I can!). I loved the smells and the delicious aromas of the city. The sounds and laughter were intoxicating! And I tried to fulfill the commitment that I have made to myself that I will always listen and learn from each new experience.

As I was leaving, I picked up the Picayunne Times and read about the history of the parades and the various Krewes. It was utterly fascinating as I have been "living" it with the debutante balls in Montgomery for the past thirty six years! I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the list of royalty in each Krewe and the names of the debutantes for each group. I now feel as if I have learned some new factoids.

In my conversations, I also loved hearing the rhythm of the speech of the city. I so love the south! It is musical in so many ways and has a rhythm of living that I have found to be one that suits my soul. The Big Easy is a good description for the city and it is this esprit that I wish to incorporate into my own day to day. For the most part, I live with that motto -- nothing is so very important that you lose sight of the goal of your mission. Keeping it simple, keeping it cool, and keeping the adage that "all I can control is myself" in your mantra is the only way to take advantage of the serenity that skirts us at every turn. With each passing year, I want that serenity and find that as I age, I have become so much more forgiving of myself! I am not a person who is moderate -- I am a marathon runner for God sakes! I am an exerciser-- I am a neatnik -- I am a disciplined person who loves order and scheduling in my life. But, I am also one who loves to honor those "escapes" in our life and when I am on the road, so to speak, I take full advantage of "living the experience."

All in all, this was a weekend where I "laissez les bon temps roule!" Not good french but majorly good fun!

A state of Serenity

I once wrote a letter to my aunt in which I described a moment in time. I was sitting on my back patio one afternoon, many years ago, and realized that at that moment in time, all of my children were happy. All the daily trials and worries were, for that moment, a thing of the past. My husband was enjoying his day, and all was "right in my world." I decided to write to her and in this way, preserve this realization. I wanted to make sure that when all the madness returned, I had preserved this feeling of euphoria. In this way, I felt that I was acknowledging that the happiness I had been given was worthy of recognition and of thanks.

My aunt wrote back within the week and in her most eloquent fashion, described my feeling as that of the "serenity we all seek in this life." What a wonderful way of concisely putting all my random thoughts into one simple statement. I was so inspired by this letter that I vowed to take an assessment of my life and the gifts that I receive on a more regular basis. For I think that each one of us is given these moments of serenity and it is only a precious few that actually realize that they have experienced them. And even fewer still that actually give thanks for having received such a gift.

I had this moment last week. I was visiting my children and grand son in Atlanta for the week. Each day of my stay, I tackled a new adventure or dealt with some issue in each of their lives -- be it a fun excursion to the mall, shopping for material, toasting raises/promotions, or moving furniture. By the time Friday arrived and we were preparing for a surprise party for my daughter, I felt as if I had enjoyed all that I could. I was thanking God for all the happiness of the week, and yet I had one remaining issue that kept my focus. One of my children was still facing challenges that I could not fix. I was aching to "make it right" and take away the anxiety that was his and yet it was beyond my control. My son was was facing an interview after a very long and stressful job search. I sat in a chair during the time that he was interviewing and prayed that he would be successful. I asked for just one more wonderful miracle for my son who so needed to have a moment of triumph.

And my prayers were answered. He was not only successful, but triumphant! He was offered a position and accepted.

At that moment, all the pain, worry, upset, and heartache of the past four months dissolved. My tears were spontaneous and my joy boundless. I had achieved that serenity that we all seek and with many thanks and celebration, I have appreciated this dear and precious gift.

My cup runneth over. Life is Good.

A day of Oprah

Last week, my husband was out of town. I actually enjoy this time for one silly reason: I love to fall asleep with the television on. This might seem to be a fairly inane and silly "treat" when left to my own devices, but it is one that has become a delicious and decadent pleasure. When I am by myself, I actually love to put on my pyjamas (yes, P.J.s not a night gown but the standard button up the front, flannel and long-sleeved version!) and cuddle in bed and watch anything that is no longer than thirty minutes, without anything deep or world shattering in the plot line, sans political over or under tones, and boisterously silly and totally meaningless. In other words, I watch network television - which during a normal day is banned from the household.

The only problem with this divine practice is that I often wake in the middle of the night to find late night programming. Some of it is a repeat of earlier broadcasts - i.e., the Tonight Show, the Ten O'Clock News, etc. However, this past week, I consistently awoke to the sounds of Oprah. This is an afternoon show that I rarely see as I am always out of the house during that air time. On the first night, I found myself aroused by the sounds of a gentleman who described the reorganization of a chosen family. He went into great detail of how they became "unplugged" and "plugged into" each other. Their home was cleaned, revamped, and re-created in the image of a unified family. Dinners were planned, meetings canceled, game nights established, and the list went on and on and on..... And from that point on I was wide awake and trying to mentally make a game plan for the re-organization of my life! Because Oprah was aired at 1:30 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. and I normally arise at 4:30 a.m., I had little sleep that night. It took a great deal of effort to mentally rearrange 58 years of total havoc!

The following evening, so ready for bed, and actually tired from the lack of sleep from the previous evening, I again tuned into to my sit-com comma inducing television and as predicted, fell asleep within the first thirty seconds of the first show. Again, at 1:30 a.m. I awoke to "Here's Oprah!" .... and the crowd going wild! That evening, I learned how to do a fashion make over and how to make my wardrobe be the most that it could be for my age decade. I got the list of "what I needed, to have the perfect wardrobe for any occasion". At the end of the hour, I was already planning on the "gutting" of my closet and finding what I did and did not have. A shopping day was also planned.

By day three, totally exhausted by lack of sleep, I again dove into bed and became immediately comatose. Again, Oprah brought me a new book and the realization that I needed to work on my Love Life -- and keep my husband interested! I fretfully awaited the morning light so that I could call him in Guatamala and ask him if I was fulfilling his expectations of me as a wife. After much confusion on his part (I had awakened him -- just imagine, he slept until 6:00 a.m.!), he told me all was well and went back to sleep.

What an exhausting week I had. Between daily "to do lists" gleened from my late night adventures, I was mentally and physically wasted by the time my husband returned from his five day business trip. I was so glad to have him back so that I would not turn on the television and could sleep the entire night.

Who says that late night television can't be exciting! I am praying for a re-scheduling of the line up before my next "bachelorette" week!

Paying if Forward

For the past three days, I have been helping a friend in need. She lives by herself and needed to have shoulder surgery. Because you cannot have this surgery without a designated "friend" during surgery as well as a driver both to and from the hospital, I gladly agreed to be that person for her. This has been an interesting association for me as I was not a particularly close friend prior to this time. I always loved seeing her and "bantering" with her over our differing political views. We shared a love of exercise -- we met at the health club. We found an intellectual compatibility - I mention this because she is a professor at a local university and this sort of relationship is key for her. But aside from a few casual lunches, telephone calls, e-mails and conversational exchanges, we did not share a great deal of history.

However, after these three days, I feel as if I have made a new friend. I think that when one provides aid to someone in need, a certain bond is established. One gives up a bit of their own day (that 24 hours that we so zealously hoard!) and focuses on someone other than themself. I was actually surprised to find such an ease in conversation, a level of comfort in living through the moments of silence we experienced while awaiting the surgeon, and finally a sense of calm when all was finished and the surgery was over. I realized a level of patience that I rarely possess. Rather than mentally racing through the "lists of things I should be doing", I focused on my surroundings and appreciated the moment. I read a facinating book, listened to conversations that erupted around me as each new family came to the waiting room during their "loved one's" surgery, and relished in the fact that I had the time to be this kind of friend. My retirement from active employment out of the home has left me with this ability. I do have the time to do things for others in a calm and unfrenzied manner. And I like it!

I guess that is what paying it forward is all about!

I was Humbled today

This morning began like so many Monday mornings. I awoke, did the eliptical machine while watching the Fox & Friends Morning Show, ate, showered, and went on the Monday morning step class at the gym. I arrived to find the instructor talking to someone in the rear of the room. Upon second glance, I realized that the person was someone I knew. Her name is Shannon and she is blind. She is a member of a Power Class (weight lifting class) that I attend occasionally on Monday and Wednesday afternoons.

I watched the instructor explain some of the steps that would be cued during the class and listened while she explained about the equipment -- i.e., the step. Shannon had her mother with her and her mother was listening so that she might be a good "guide" for her daughter. As the music began, I watched as Shannon listened and did what she was cued to do. When there was a doubt, her mother would give her more detailed instruction. For one hour, I watched and became so humbled by the determination and bravery of this wonderful person.

I only knew her as a woman that came to class with her guide dog, Brewster. I found her charming and so kind. There was always a smile on her face and in the midst of any class, her humor carried us all through the steps of lifting our weights!

Now I watched her take on the new challenge of the Step Class. I watched her struggle to listen, understand, assimilate, and execute what some people would never even try for fear of failure. I watched her take direction so easily and willingly. She never showed her frustration (if indeed she had any at all). She patiently went through the steps that she could and when she left class, smiling and laughing with her mother, told us all that she would see us again!

I learned that she is a wife, mother, and a working attorney. I always knew that she was a woman of great strength and now appreciated the depth of her accomplishments.

I took a moment to thank God for all the blessings that I have in my life. I have the ability to see, hear, feel, taste, and smell. I can awake each morning and carry out my day without the need of assistance -- either physical or mental. I have the ability to go where I want, when I want, and to share the world with all whom I love. I was overwhelmed that I had never taken a moment to appreciate the gifts of living.

This inspired me to want to "think outside my box" -- to reach for something that I might think impossible. I would love to leave the legacy to my children that there was nothing that I wouldn't try. I want to stop putting artificial boundaries on my thoughts and actions and try instead to approach each new subject as a "why not" rather than a "why".

I will, yet again, thank God everyday that I can walk and move without pain -- and without undue restriction. I remembered where I was one year ago and smile as I run up the stairs and dance through a zumba class. I am one lucky person and I do appreciate this gift.

I was humbled today. I will not forget this lesson.

I felt connected

Today I attended the eightieth birthday party of a woman who is in my luncheon club. She is someone who laughs with everyone, tells the funniest of jokes, is so "with it" in terms of her knowledge of the day to day and makes everyone around her feel as ageless as she feels. I must admit, I was utterly shocked that we were celebrating her 80th birthday as I am still remembering the celebration of my mother's eightieth birthday two years ago. Somehow, the fact that I am "friends" in a peer-like situation with someone who is my mother's age is shocking to me. I have such an easy relationship with this friend-- something that I do not have with my own mother. I know that is something of the norm, but I don't even have the same sense of perspective when I think of these two indidviduals. I guess one will always look at their mother as someone whose age is a distant reality and one unique to them.

Maybe, not knowing my friend's age has been the reason that I was able to "be myself" and treat her like a friend as opposed to an "elder". Was I brash and disrespectful? I think not. I merely treated her the way I would anyone I met. It is a situation that gives me pause.

When I enter a new situation, I am a person who begins a conversation immediately, with anyone who will listen. I do not look for "like" people -- as I don't know who is "like" me when I enter a room. I just look for a friendly face and a look of interest. I then begin to share emotions and information. I realize that I am a person with few secrets. I don't like to hide my life as I find that when I do, I always end up "misfiring information" -- that is to say, I share the wrong things at the wrong moment. I always like to be up front and let the world in. It makes any situation, good or bad, so much easier to assimilate or to tolerate (as the case may be). All that said, I do not look for ages of people when Ienter into a new situation. Merely a commonality in interest or in situation.

When I go to exercise classes, I have several "acquaintances" that I would refer to as my "exercise friends". They, invariably, are much younger than I as I am among the oldest in any of my classes. I actually don't think of them in terms of years --- that is until I bring in pictures of my grandson and share them with the other "mothers" who have children his age!

So, as I think of my lunch, I realize that my friend is actually very much like me in that she is ageless in her friendships as I am in mine. And in just a few years, I will be celebrating my 80th with a group of people who will be the ages of my children!

Time does march on and as it does, the more I realize how much the same people are -- at any age. Just people who enjoy living, laughing, and loving. At the end of any day, that is what is really important. It is at times such as these, that I realize the importance of grasping each and every moment to savor the rich and exciting parts of life. It will keep you young at heart -- and in spirit. That is what makes a person whole and the vibrant element of each day.

It is never too late to tell someone how you feel

Today I wrote to my cousin. Her brother had died last July and I had never written to send her my condolenscences. When she sent her Christmas card, there was a note attached which told me of the death of her brother and she wanted to make sure that I had heard the news.

I was so distressed for I had heard and not taken the time to just jot a note or to cry with her for this loss. I thought about putting this in my "remember to never do this again" file but realized that I needed to write and share with her my sorrow over her loss. It did not matter that the note was six months late.

It was a letter that was easy to write for I have lived her loss, as I lost my brother, her cousin, five years ago. I understood the loss she felt as a sister who loses her brother. It is such a different feeling than what one feels when a parent is lost. I don't know if nature somehow prepares us for the loss of a parent as someone who is older and faces death in a much more time sensitive manner. It might be that we expect to lose our parents as our parents lost their parents etc. etc. But, life doesn't prepare us for the loss of a sibling quite as well. I think that we always think of them as "being there" -- because they are the only people on this earth who actually share the same, or similar, history with you. They share your heritage and they share memories of houses, places, and funny experiences that no one outside of the "family" will ever share in quite the same way. A sibling can be angry or act like the biggest oaf on this earth. A sibling can be cruel and do things that are so contrary to everything that you know. You might not ever choose a sibling as a friend if they were not indeed your sibling. But when all else is said and done, a sibling is someone that understands where you came from and sometimes "where you are coming from" (in modern day vernacular). A loss of a sibling leaves a hole in your heart.

I feel so lucky that my four children are good siblings. I watch them share with the others and be there for each other in spite of differences of opinion, anger, hurt feelings, and all the other gambit of emotional bruising that one person can cause another. I love it when they "gang up against Mom and Dad" -- they show such a strong allegiance to each other. I love to hear them tease and laugh together. I also love it when they share each others pain and loss. As a mother, this is the greatest of all gifts and I am so blessed to have four of the most amazing children, one incredible son-in-law and a grandson who is the light in my day.

It is never too late to let the world know how you feel. Tell them often and loudly. Days come and go and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Make sure that all your todays are filled with sharing your heart with all those around you. You'll never have those kinds of regrets.

It's a New Year

With every new year, I try to sit down and ponder all the things that I should change in my life. Resolutions are made and I wake up on each January 1st feeling that I have purpose. I make that list a priority and try to take it very seriously. But by the end of the first week, I predictably get involved in the day to day and forget even the most important of resolutions. By November any resolution I might have made is such a distant memory that I begin to think of them as new ideas for the new year! I think that this is human....or just me!

So this year, I decided to keep it simple. I would do one thing to improve my life and make a difference. I really thought and thought of just the one thing that I could do. The answer came to me while I was brushing my teeth. Actually, the answer was "brushing my teeth" -- not that I wasn't brushing my teeth, but I had opted not to have an electric toothbrush for years and decided that I could probably use one. So, on this most important of years, that of 2010, I am now going to brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush -- twice a day...at least!

Now I realize that this might seem insignificant, but when you think of it, this one small change might be just the catalyst that I need to effect larger more defining "tweeks" in my life. Just as a penny saved will eventually add to the dollars you put in savings, maybe a tooth brushed will lead to the invention of a new great convenience tool. Maybe while I am brushing my teeth I will think of something brilliant and become the next Thomas Edison. How did he figure out the light bulb anyway? Was he just sitting in the dark imagining what it would be like to read after the sun went down? Was he tired of the wind blowing out his candles? Was he exhausted after looking at life through a shadowed eye??? Maybe he was brushing his teeth in the dark and wanted to see what he was doing!

Small steps will lead to larger ones. So, for me the year of 2010 is all about brushing your teeth -- maybe flossing with greater gusto or whitening more frequently. Might not give me an academy award or the nobel peace prize, but at least I can have healthier teeth and gums. A beginning at the very least!